The older I get, the more I have begun to accept a painful truth for me. Despite the fact that I have five siblings, I am an only child and always have been.
And let me preface the explanation on that statement with this: People have their own lives and do not have time for each and every person.... even if they should.
I am on Facebook with most of my siblings. I see their comings and goings and I know they see mine, but we don't always have time to connect or chit-chat about everyday happenings. And that's fine. In all honesty, I don't "know" them, and they certainly don't "know" me. It's just how it is.
I'm substantially younger than the rest of my siblings, which means that by the time I was an adult, they were already set up in their grown-up lives with kids of their own and busy jobs and homes and so-on. Any attempt at closeness was also hindered by the fact that I lived almost 10 hours from most of them (still at home with Mom & Dad). I get it : we didn't grow up together. We're not close. Everyone likes to pretend we are when we're all forced to be at the same family events together, but the sad truth of the matter is, we are not close. My two sisters are close (raised in the same household and they're only 5 years apart in age). One of my brothers is close to my two sisters (married to one of them {don't ask}, so he is surreptitiously looped into the tight inner circle of their lives). My oldest brother keeps in touch with my two sisters & brother (who loudly share his same political beliefs). My youngest brother keeps ALL of us at (more than) an arms length (maybe he's the smartest one after all).
And then there's me.
I'm 9 years younger than my next oldest sibling (the one who keeps everyone at a distance). 11 years younger than my brother who married my sister. 13 years younger than my very loud, very politically opinionated oldest brother. 15 years younger than my sister who married my brother. 20 years younger than my oldest sister.
Lots of space, opinions, judgments, life-experiences, and expectations in between all of them and me. Lots. No really - LOTS.
One of my nieces recently had a birthday (she's 30-something). I saw that my sister (her mother) wrote a very sweet tribute to her on FB first thing in the morning on her bday. I saw that my other sister wrote and even SWEETER tribute to her on FB, complete with a photo of my niece on one of her MANY visits with said Sister, first thing on her bday. Today is my son's 24th birthday. I'm still waiting for ANY ONE of my siblings to even just say Happy Birthday to him. My husband's brother did (and always does - he's very faithful with all of his nieces and nephews). But so far, none of mine have. Including my brother who married my sister - who is my son's Godfather. So disappointing, but not surprising.
I recently sent my sister who married my brother a book in the mail. She's been grieving about someone close to her who passed away and she has been really struggling. I thought the book would help. The note I enclosed with the book said, "I haven't heard much from you lately. I'm worried about you and pray for you daily." (I'm paraphrasing, as I can't recall the EXACT wording I used.) She sent me a very brief text saying "I got the book today. Thank you honey!!". Maybe it's just me, but I thought my note would've garnered a bit more of a response. I thought it was enough to prompt a conversation. I was incorrect. If my oldest sister would've been the one to send her that book, it would've received a tribute on Facebook and an hour long phone call. But, it was from ME. Nothing more than a quick text necessary.
We have had my parents living with us since 2003. We have attended to their every need. We have attended every doctors appointment. I've been the one to sit at every hospital bedside. We are the ones who administer every medication. We are the ones who clean up every mess. We are the ones who spend EVERYDAY trying to make their lives easy, interactive, and safe. We are the ones who make (almost) every single meal they eat. It's OUR vacation days from work that get utilized when Mom and Dad need someone to do ANYTHING with them. And I'm glad.
Having Mom & Dad with us has been a blessing that I could never have imagined. Being the youngest child (Dad was 44 when I was born), I always worried that my own children would never really know their grandparents, as my parents would be quite elderly by the time my own kids were old enough to appreciate the time with them. Having them living with us has meant that my two kids had Granny & Papa in their lives on a daily basis since they were in elementary school! Papa helped my daughter learn to count change and tell time. Granny was the one available to take forgotten homework to school for the kids when they needed it (I was at work 45 minutes away). Granny & Papa were the ones at home to receive the children each day after school (I didn't get home until they'd already been off school for 2 hours). Not to mention all the meals shared around the table listening to my parents stories of times-gone-by and hearing all of the jokes and family tales our clan loves to share. Every birthday party, every Thanksgiving, every Christmas, every special event at school. My parents were there for ALL of it. What a priceless gift! And my two kids have received the lions-share of these times, all because my husband and I chose to share our home with these two people who needed us. I am so blessed.
On Father's Day, I had to take my Daddy to the ER. He was having pain in his arm, and although we were certain it was just a muscle pull, he insisted we go to the ER to have it checked out. Of course, I agreed to take him. After the hospital visit confirmed it was nothing serious - only a torn bicep, I made a quick post about how happy I am to still have my Daddy on Father's Day and how glad I was that the ER visit was nothing to be concerned about.
Last week I spoke to my brother who married my sister on the phone. I called him. He NEVER calls me (unless it's my birthday or he needs something from me). (In fact, NONE of my siblings call me to catch up. To see how I'm doing. To see how my kids are doing. To see how MOM AND DAD are doing. EVER.) Daddy was trying to remember the name of a grocery store that was near our home in New Orleans. I couldn't come up with the name and I was hoping my brother could recall it. He could not. Just as we were getting off the phone, he told me he didn't appreciate learning of Dad's ER visit on Facebook.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Never a 'thank you for taking care of my parents'. Never a check in the mail to help with expenses (meanwhile, they've purchased their second home, which they needed for their DOGS). Never an offer to take care of doctor's visits when they're in town so I don't have to use my vacation time to do so. NOTHING. Twelve years. And you have the nerve to gripe at me about how you found out DAD IS FINE???? Wow. I'm overcome. He has some nerve. I think he's crossed a line for me. I think I'm done. I'd already pretty well written off my two other brothers and my two sisters, but I think this did it for me with my brother who married my sister too.
I'm tired of trying to consider everyone when no one considers us (me, my parents, my husband and our two children). And you know what? I feel free. Free of the burden of trying to "play nice" with people who don't want us in the game at all. Free from having to invite people to family events who do not want to be there at all. My two nieces, who both live less than 45 minutes away could not bother to attend my own son's bridal shower OR wedding OR baby shower. And only TWO of my siblings did. They will fly {literally} ALL OVER THE WORLD to attend events for one another, but they can't bother to drive across town for my own children. My parents can see how even they are peripheral - only getting a visit from their daughters when they're in the area for something else - only getting a phone call to talk on holidays or birthdays (and maybe not even then).
After the phone call with my brother last week, I really think I'm done. I am an only child.